I get it. I
know what it feels like. To feel like you don't even matter to anyone, to feel
like nobody wants you around. To feel like nobody wants to talk to you, spend
time with or call you their friend. To spend lunch alone listening to music and
waiting for it to be over so you can go to class where it looks like you're
concentrating, but you just don't have any friends to get distracted by. And it
doesn't even matter anyways, because you aren't even paying attention. You're
wishing you could be anywhere else but this world, because even the teacher
picks on you. Then in gym you put on sweats and a hoodie to hide your scars,
even though you're already too hot. You get picked last, again. Then you
finally go home and cry or self harm and just lay there numb in your room,
hoping your parents don't come and make you do stuff. At dinner, you barely eat
anything because you feel too overweight, even though you aren't. Then
finally, you get to go to bed and finally get to sleep. But not yet, because
your thoughts are gonna keep you up for hours, thinking about dying and how no
one likes you. How you're pathetic in every way. You finally fall asleep and
have a terrible dream. Or a dream about good old memories which makes you want
and miss them more and more. But you know they're never coming back. I get it.
I just lay
in my bed, thinking about everything. Thinking about the people who have walked
in and out of my life without saying goodbye. The guys I've liked who have
played me, or used me. I think about how dumb I was to get my hopes up too
fast. I think about school and how I should try a lot harder. I think and I
care about what others think about me. I really shouldn't care because this is
me and no one can change that. I think about my family and how close we all
used to be, now we're drifting slowly and painfully. I think about later on in
life, and how I'm going to turn out. Then I just close my eyes and cry. Cry
because of sadness. Because of anger. I'm depressed and it hurts. Especially at
night. When I just want life to end. But then, you get through that phase.
After endless nights of crying, hurting, tormenting yourself over something you
said or did, you just realize that there is no point. You're a human, you're
going to make mistakes. Not everyone is going to accept you. But there will always
be someone who wants to be your friend. You're never alone no matter what
you're going through, someone is always there who can understand you. One day,
you will realize that you are good enough, you will stop caring about what
people think. You finally surround yourself by people who love you and you
finally ignore all the people who don't like you because, well, that's their
problem, not yours.
Let me tell
you something, I'm almost 17 years old and I'm still struggling with getting
bullied, feeling suicidal, and hating everyday that I'm alive. But hey, take
things day by day; don’t get overwhelmed when something doesn't go your way.
Yanno that feeling when something you do is good? That feeling where you feel
on top of the world, like nobody can stop you? That’s how I feel today. Today I
have been free from self-harm for 11 months; that’s 303 days out of 365 days of
the year, which means 62 more days for me to go. No, it wasn't easy. Yes, it
did take a lot of strength and courage. But I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for
my friends, they are my inspiration. Without them, nothing for me would be
possible. They would accept me on my bad days and nights, even when my own
family wouldn't. They make me laugh when I'm crying and they make me enjoy the
life that I once wanted to end. Looking back on my journey with my different
friends I've come to realize that I haven’t treated some of them with the best
of my abilities, and because of that I lost some of them. Something I'm not
proud of is that its very difficult for me to keep the friends that I make,
because of this it makes me hard to trust people, and let them in; but I am
working on this day by day. A couple people I know are having some trouble with
self-harm, and let me tell you this, nothing is impossible. You can achieve
whatever you put your mind to, with the strength of your friends and family
around you, plus your positive mind and thoughts, you can easily become free
from self harm too. Just think about your poor body taking in all that damage.
Do you even realize how much your body loves you? I mean its always trying to
keep you alive and healthy. That's all your body has to live for. Your body
makes sure you breathe while you sleep, it stops cuts and scrapes from
bleeding, it fixes broken bones, and it beats the illnesses that might get you
sick. Your body loves you so much, you only get one body your whole life time,
its time to start loving it back. You are probably thinking that you cant go a
day without harming your body, but you can. Start by making a small goal for
yourself, lets say a week; but don’t lose that happy thought that keeps you
smiling throughout the day, don’t take your eyes off the prize. People tell me
I'm so strong and I'm so amazing for staying clean for this long, but I'm not
just doing it for myself, I'm doing it for my best friends that are struggling
at this very moment, I'm doing it for my parents, and especially my sister.
Nobody laughs at my jokes like my sister does, and recently I've become very
close with my sister even though she is off at college doing her own thing, but
Jacquelyn I love you and thank you for the endless support you give me. Also a
huge thank you to the people that help me everyday, especially the friends that
I've had for awhile and the friends that I met just a couple months ago, nobody
keeps me happy like you guys do.
Its probably
time to end this post, but I could go on for a very long time. Stay strong my
little Warriors. Once you hit your goal, let me know how you feel, if you are
struggling with staying clean, contact me and I will try my best to help you
out. Stay beautiful
Cell number:
815-954-3285
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