VANISH

That’s life. People come and go, the sun sets and the sun rises, you fall down and you get back up. Why would you want to keep someone close who does nothing to be kept, who struggles to escape from the hands you closed around their arm? Maybe they want to go. Maybe they need to. It’s all about meeting new people and saying goodbye to them, isn’t it? It’s letting them catch a glimpse of what’s beneath your armor. And if you’re lucky, they’ll teach you a lesson or two, you become a story they’ll tell one day and they’ll become one of yours. Because in the end it all comes down to us moving on, to us changing and growing - to us becoming better people. To us getting to know ourselves, learning who we are and learning to accept and love ourselves as much as possible. Maybe we need a heartbreak or two to realize that we’re better than this, maybe we need to cry for hours on end, waste tears on someone who does not deserve a single one to see how much better we can do without that person. People change, yes that's true. You’re told that all your life. But, what people forget to mention is how much it hurts when that person you knew disappears. You grow up with someone, you plan to live next to each other, have your kids play together, granted these are childish ideas. But then, you get older and plan on going to the same college and rooming together, plan a whole college career with them. Then in the blink of an eye it’s all gone. They’re gone. Yes, people change its true. But, they aren’t supposed to disappear. Why do people leave? Its honestly a simple question but, there never seems to be simple answers. In reality there is never any answers, they always have an excuse as to why they just dropped you. So when do you get to have an excuse? When do you get to leave and finally let yourself breathe? Simple questions and no simple  answers.  nobody has the answer as to why someone is always left behind hanging on, and somebody else is moving on.

EMPTY HANDS

You know those people who always seem to be smiling, they act like nothing bothers them, and make jokes out of a bad situation. They always seem so strong. Have you ever seen one of those people just shatter? It’s one of the most heart breaking scenes I’ve ever witnessed. It’s so real and so sad to see the always happy person gasping for air as tears stream down their cheeks, sorrow written in every line on their face. The worst part though, is their eyes; It’s almost like they are a completely different person, the sadness is just so raw and they look so vulnerable. It makes you realize the harsh reality that our world is. It's funny how quickly life turns around. One second you’re on top of the world the next you’re on the ground, tears rolling down your face, wondering why you’re alive. A lot of times we are so desperate to cling to someone or something; an unfinished story, a wasted chance, conversations that break us and actions that bring fresh tears to our eyes. We hang on. We know we’re better off letting go, but we’re afraid; afraid of ending up with empty hands. But having a part of something, a fraction, a chapter, is often a lot harder than giving up and having nothing at all. We should stop being afraid of losing something that only causes us pain. Maybe we should try being honest with ourselves and start putting our happiness first, instead of holding on to things that create a false sense of security. Maybe empty hands are better than having our palms sliced open all the time.

Nothing is impossible

I get it. I know what it feels like. To feel like you don't even matter to anyone, to feel like nobody wants you around. To feel like nobody wants to talk to you, spend time with or call you their friend. To spend lunch alone listening to music and waiting for it to be over so you can go to class where it looks like you're concentrating, but you just don't have any friends to get distracted by. And it doesn't even matter anyways, because you aren't even paying attention. You're wishing you could be anywhere else but this world, because even the teacher picks on you. Then in gym you put on sweats and a hoodie to hide your scars, even though you're already too hot. You get picked last, again. Then you finally go home and cry or self harm and just lay there numb in your room, hoping your parents don't come and make you do stuff. At dinner, you barely eat anything because you feel too overweight, even though you aren't. Then finally, you get to go to bed and finally get to sleep. But not yet, because your thoughts are gonna keep you up for hours, thinking about dying and how no one likes you. How you're pathetic in every way. You finally fall asleep and have a terrible dream. Or a dream about good old memories which makes you want and miss them more and more. But you know they're never coming back. I get it.

I just lay in my bed, thinking about everything. Thinking about the people who have walked in and out of my life without saying goodbye. The guys I've liked who have played me, or used me. I think about how dumb I was to get my hopes up too fast. I think about school and how I should try a lot harder. I think and I care about what others think about me. I really shouldn't care because this is me and no one can change that. I think about my family and how close we all used to be, now we're drifting slowly and painfully. I think about later on in life, and how I'm going to turn out. Then I just close my eyes and cry. Cry because of sadness. Because of anger. I'm depressed and it hurts. Especially at night. When I just want life to end. But then, you get through that phase. After endless nights of crying, hurting, tormenting yourself over something you said or did, you just realize that there is no point. You're a human, you're going to make mistakes. Not everyone is going to accept you. But there will always be someone who wants to be your friend. You're never alone no matter what you're going through, someone is always there who can understand you. One day, you will realize that you are good enough, you will stop caring about what people think. You finally surround yourself by people who love you and you finally ignore all the people who don't like you because, well, that's their problem, not yours.

Let me tell you something, I'm almost 17 years old and I'm still struggling with getting bullied, feeling suicidal, and hating everyday that I'm alive. But hey, take things day by day; don’t get overwhelmed when something doesn't go your way. Yanno that feeling when something you do is good? That feeling where you feel on top of the world, like nobody can stop you? That’s how I feel today. Today I have been free from self-harm for 11 months; that’s 303 days out of 365 days of the year, which means 62 more days for me to go. No, it wasn't easy. Yes, it did take a lot of strength and courage. But I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my friends, they are my inspiration. Without them, nothing for me would be possible. They would accept me on my bad days and nights, even when my own family wouldn't. They make me laugh when I'm crying and they make me enjoy the life that I once wanted to end. Looking back on my journey with my different friends I've come to realize that I haven’t treated some of them with the best of my abilities, and because of that I lost some of them. Something I'm not proud of is that its very difficult for me to keep the friends that I make, because of this it makes me hard to trust people, and let them in; but I am working on this day by day. A couple people I know are having some trouble with self-harm, and let me tell you this, nothing is impossible. You can achieve whatever you put your mind to, with the strength of your friends and family around you, plus your positive mind and thoughts, you can easily become free from self harm too. Just think about your poor body taking in all that damage. Do you even realize how much your body loves you? I mean its always trying to keep you alive and healthy. That's all your body has to live for. Your body makes sure you breathe while you sleep, it stops cuts and scrapes from bleeding, it fixes broken bones, and it beats the illnesses that might get you sick. Your body loves you so much, you only get one body your whole life time, its time to start loving it back. You are probably thinking that you cant go a day without harming your body, but you can. Start by making a small goal for yourself, lets say a week; but don’t lose that happy thought that keeps you smiling throughout the day, don’t take your eyes off the prize. People tell me I'm so strong and I'm so amazing for staying clean for this long, but I'm not just doing it for myself, I'm doing it for my best friends that are struggling at this very moment, I'm doing it for my parents, and especially my sister. Nobody laughs at my jokes like my sister does, and recently I've become very close with my sister even though she is off at college doing her own thing, but Jacquelyn I love you and thank you for the endless support you give me. Also a huge thank you to the people that help me everyday, especially the friends that I've had for awhile and the friends that I met just a couple months ago, nobody keeps me happy like you guys do.

Its probably time to end this post, but I could go on for a very long time. Stay strong my little Warriors. Once you hit your goal, let me know how you feel, if you are struggling with staying clean, contact me and I will try my best to help you out. Stay beautiful

Twitter:https://twitter.com/CecilySarowatz1

Cell number: 815-954-3285

Kairos Retreat

Exactly a week until Kairos. What is Kairos? Well I don't exactly know, and that's what makes me nervous. On November 5th, at 3 pm i will be on a bus going to this retreat. I guess you could say I've been looking forward to this since my sister Jacquelyn went on it, and that was 3 years ago. I love retreats, i love being able to express how i feel and not get judged for it. What I'm nervous about is all the girls in my class are going. There are a lot of cliques when it comes to the junior girls at Bishop McNamara, and that's a scary thought. Not everybody gets along, everybody doesn't see the same things, everybody has a different view when it comes to that boy or that girl or even somebody's life. People get judged to easily, the words "hate" and "ugly" get thrown around like its the only two words in our vocabulary, and that really bothers me. What if i go and tell somebody something, and they go and tell other people? But i guess I'm getting caught up in all the negativity, especially when we can easily come together as a class and keep it that way. I'm hoping to get some stuff out that I've been wanting to say, but then again what if they don't understand? It's a win lose situation. But I know for a fact that my faith will grow, and I'm hoping people will get to meet the real Cecily, and they accept me for who i am. Those people who don't like to "express" their feelings should just give it a try. You might be holding things in that need to come out, and maybe once you let those things out, you might be happier or your faith might become stronger. I hope we can all "Live The Fourth" when we come back, even though i have no idea what it means yet, but i think it's a good thing. Welp, wish me luck. Stay Strong my little Warriors, and i love you all.

dear bullies..

What the hell is wrong with you? What do you think gives you the damn right to call other people horrible names, pick on them, make their life a living hell? Every human is equal regardless. I can only assume that you do this in order to boost your own low self-esteem and confidence. It’s sad and pathetic to sit there and write hate. I’ve known so many people that took their lives as a result of losers like you. If you actually feel like it’s a problem then get help, but if you just do it “for fun” or for “shits and giggles” then fucking stop. You sicken me. You might find it funny now, and you may even feel good driving someone to suicide (which makes me sick.) One day, however, when you actually mature and grow up you’ll realize how fucking wrong it was. You’ll have this tremendous guilt to live with; you helped kill another innocent life.  You took a precious soul from this world with your comments and your insults. Do you feel good now? How about if you ever have kids?  How the hell would you feel if you found your daughter or son dead after taking her own life after being bullied so much? One minute they are here with their whole life ahead of them and some nasty words drove them to the edge and broke them. How the fuck would it feel to see your child dead, you can’t do anything but feel sad and hate towards those who bullied them.  How would it feel if police officers turned up at your door telling you the worst? Maybe your daughter/son jumped in front of a train? What if they ran away from home and killed themselves? Does it still feel good? So before you decide to send hate or you feel like bullying someone, just THINK how you’d feel as a parent, how you’ll feel when you’re older and you have to live with this guilt. Just think. If YOU are the one being bullied, don’t listen to them, and that may be a tough thing to do, but you are worth so much more than that. You ARE beautiful; you DO live a wonderful life that DOES NOT need to end. I look out for EVERY single one of my friends. You may have made a silly mistake, or you may have done something just a little stupid, but you DON’T deserve to get beaten down about it. If they hold it against you, then they aren’t worth it. Don’t take shit from other people. Just know that if you have nobody else to go to, contact me. I will ALWAYS be there if nobody else is there. I will always listen, and I will always care. Stay strong my little Warriors

..are you happy?

happiness..something everybody deserves right? Each and everyone of you deserve happiness. wanna know what makes me happy the most? Making other people happy. Anything to put a smile on someone elses face, makes me feel on top of the world. A simple text that says "Hey, you are beautiful and you mean the world to me." could easily make someones day 100% better, or even save someones life. You deserve everything beautiful in life, you deserve to be loved by every person you know. Having the beautiful friends that i do, is beyond amazing. Being loved by them is one of the best gifts i have ever had. you can not wait for happiness to find you. it doesn’t know the way. take what life gives you and treat it better than it treated you. Miss someone, tell them. Love someone even better, show them. Want ice cream, eat it. Indulge yourself, you deserve it. Sad? Listen to music, watch youtube videos, watch movies that make you cry. Take a you day and focus on your life. Let yourself be sad but also realize you deserve to be happy. And realize it will always work itself. Everything turns out okay in the end. I’m not saying I’m not going to be sad anymore or that I learned how to be happy. I’m still working on that. I just realized everything did turn out okay. And a majority of my problems worked themselves out. Maybe not in the way I expected but they still did. I had a bad day heck a bad few weeks. But who doesn’t. I’m human. I let people belittle me and for a while I put up a facade of smiles but now I’m actually happy. Optimistic even for the future. No more crying myself to sleep. (at least for a while) I just hope things stay looking up for the time being. I think what I realized is that sometimes it’s okay to give up. Some people aren’t worth the effort. Some guys aren’t really prince charming but just well good for laughs. My life is no where near perfect, especially right now. But reflecting on it I am genuinely happy. Stay happy and love life, love the life you live. If you are at rock bottom, then you can go nowhere but up. if anybody needs something, dont be afraid to message me on twitter or facebook, i am always here. Stay positive and stay strong little Warriors

The Butterfly Project

Self-harm. It's a word i hear way too often now. The definition of self-harm or self mutilation is "To inflict wounds on one's own body. Self-mutilation can include many methods such as: cutting with knives and razors, eraser burns, cigarette burns, etc." I've known about self-harm for way too long, once i started it, i always wanted it out of my life. This is when "The Butterfly Project" came into my life, and it has helped me ever since. The Butterfly Project is when you draw a butterfly on your wrist and you give it a name. Any kind of name, i named mine after somebody very special to me. If you cut once, every single butterfly that you drew on your body will die. DON'T wash off the butterflies, let them fade away naturally. Most importantly, take good care of your butterflies! The best kind of butterflies are when someone special draws them on you, these are EXTRA special, so you must take care of them! On Quest 22, after i said my speech, a girl came up to me and asked me if i knew what the Butterfly Project was, of course i said no, and i asked her if she could tell me what it was. She simply grabbed my wrist, where all my scars were, and drew the cutest little butterfly. She put the cap on her pen, and gave me the tightest hug. Thinking about this moment gives me goosebumps. Since then i have been telling everyone about the Butterfly Project. One of my little warriors use to draw a butterfly on my wrist all the time. She once put a butterfly on every scar i had, then kissed every single scar, that moment will always play back in my head, and it never fails to put a smile on my face. I guess this post is to tell you about the Butterfly Project, if you are self-harming please give The Butterfly Project a chance. I love every single one of you, stay strong my little warriors.


The Butterfly Project rules:

1. when you feel like you want to cut, take a marker or pen and draw a butterfly wherever the self-harm occurs.
2. name the butterfly after a loved one, or someone that really wants you to get better.
3. NO scrubbing the butterfly off.
4. if you cut before the butterfly is gone, it dies. if you don't cut, it lives.
5. if you have more than one, cutting kills them all.
6. another person may draw them on you. these butterflies are extra special. take good care of them.
7. even if you don’t cut, feel free to draw a butterfly anyways, to show your support.